Life Coach and Author, Catherine Graham, speaks of our need to heal beyond the obvious, to live a more enriched and enlightened life.
On Sunday morning, I gasped as I read the headline, “Children’s author, Robert Munsch admits to cocaine and alcohol addiction.” You see, Robert has been a favourite of mine since I was four, with many favourites, including David’s Father, Thomas’s Snowsuit, and at the top of my list, ‘I’ll Love You Forever’. How, I wondered, can such a famous and successful man still feel the need to fill a void like that? What would make him feel so empty inside that he needed to pursue that way of life?
And yet, even as I had thought it, I realized just how judgemental I had sounded at that very second. A couple dozen children’s books published, and some awards sounds great to me, however, when there’s those parts of your heart, of your past, of your childhood that aren’t healed, the amount of success, fame, money and awards just can’t cut it.
I have been living proof of this, and only this month admitted to myself that I still had healing that needed to be done in order for me to move forward in my life. About four years ago I had started on my healing journey, and I had accomplished a lot. I learned to deal with and forgive so many ‘issues’ of my past, coming to terms with experiences I had never been able to accept before, and releasing so much anger and resentment that I had decided to carry for so long.
However, at the same time that I was releasing all of this pain, and all of my past experiences, I went through another experience, that for some reason, I decided I would pack away to deal with on another day. I had been four months pregnant when I miscarried. At the time, it seemed like it was for the best, I was leaving my husband and I had three children already… I didn’t need to add to the burden or the stress with another child.
Little did I realize just how much the death of that child would eventually eat away at me, turning me into an angry monster at all of the wrong people, and letting me lay down and cry myself senseless for days at a time. Little did I know that this little person, who I would never meet, would allow me to miss it so much.
This is how it was for three years. I blamed everything and everyone else. After leaving my (now) ex husband, I met and fell in love with a wonderful man, who, after his own experiences had a vasectomy. I started blaming my emotional outbursts on this. He wasn’t able to give me a child, and that was what I wanted most, and so when the pain became to much I took it out on him.
And this is how it went. For three years, and five months, until I realized that what was hurting me the most was not the fact that we couldn’t have a baby, but the fact that I had lost my baby. Now for some, I realize that miscarriage is not something that’s easily talked about. Many people don’t understand it, or believe it happens for a better reason, or it’s God’s will, or whatever. But the truth is, a miscarriage hurts, and there is no ‘good’ reason that it happens.
My need to heal this pain went beyond the obvious. It had seemed to me for so long that my real problems were right in front of my face, and yet, they were so far deep inside, that it took me as long as it did to realize that it was even there, and even longer to face the truth that it needed to be healed.
At this point, it’s just an opening door. I opened my heart to my partner, and to my mother and some of my closest friends, to let them know what was going on with me. I spoke with a counsellor, who gave me some direction to aid in my healing, and this Friday, which would have been the child’s birthday, I will be doing a celebration of her life.
Always, in talking with others, I come to realize that I am not so alone. Always, there is someone who has gone through something similar, or has a friend who has, or is simply empathetic to my own personal pain.
The truth is, whether we’re a Robert Munsch, or Mel Gibson, or simply your every day, ‘average’ person, we all need to open our hearts, and let others know, and more importantly, ourselves, that we don’t always have the answers, or the cure to an aching heart. It is only in reaching out, that we are able to start moving forward, and slowly, releasing the pain in all that has past, so that we may once again feel free and inspired.
Until next time,
Live love and love life,